My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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