Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
