how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
