i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
