1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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