Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
