ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love having hate sex.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You made out with two different species that night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
