The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
