i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
