Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
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