My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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