M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
tell me about the eggs
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
