Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
