his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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