this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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