All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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