Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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