seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Randomize
