Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
