Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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