Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
