I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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