there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
