Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This baby is an asshole
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
