I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The feeling are messing with the penis
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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