I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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