so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
