There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
