i think my tv is drunk
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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