I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
