I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
