that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
