I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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