Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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