I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
