I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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