every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
