Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize