I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
