so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
