i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize