is your mom at the bar?
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
