you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I smell like Dick and happiness
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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