we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
