You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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