So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
