Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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