Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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