Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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