I need to stop coming to work sober
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have fence marks all over my body
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
