Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
