Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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