Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
