I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
