in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
