Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
