There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
