life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
