Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
